Notes to Self (1-4) / by The Black Lex Luthor

Just stumbled across these...I had pretty much forgotten about them. I emailed them to my yahoo account back in February of 08. Since it's an account I don't use too frequently, I haven't checked it since then! Wow. Well, anyways, it's nice to look back at what we have gone through and be amazed at what God has done. Amazing stuff.

1. February 9th, 2008
Most folks don't understand. Sometimes, I believe that I understand, at least partly. Let's just say that in contemplation of the moment and the interim before its realization, I lose a bit of myself. I think it's because I live in my own little dream, thinking that I can surmount any and everything that this life has set as an obstacle. In many ways I know that I can be so much better than I am...but how am I to get there? How can I accomplish the task of making myself a truly more magnificent being?

I have written about this several times, but since I only understand in part, it's like I am grasping at air, hanging from a precipice hundreds of miles up. But it might be possible that I'm never supposed to understand fully, and that the journey towards the understanding is all that matters in this life. Now, I have found the Lord, and I am better for it, but He is still asking me to do something more. This next action is deliberate and will define the rest of my life. This is the truth as I see it. This is where I am confused. This is where that precipice becomes more real and my life seems to be taking a turn for the worse, and all I can do is agonize and worry as my grip slips.

I could be confusing myself. "Life is not an equation to be solved, but a journey to be experienced."

2. February 14th, 2008
Little is here to misinterpret. I see that God loves me, and that there is a balance that must be maintained between the goodness and the sorrow, evil and good. I see God as an impartial ruler, a loving father who is generous to all his creations. I feel that we receive our lots equally, although some experience different levels of joy on this plane of existence. This is why I am not angry at God for what I don't have, but more puzzled as to what to do with that which I claim. Therein lays the confusion...the "little" that I misinterpret.

I cannot follow this world any longer. It seeps in and out of me, like water to the body. The more I try to interpret, the more I try to hold on, the more lost that I become. I should be better than all of this. Alas, I am walking through the darkness.

If there are those who would follow my words, read my writings and wonder about my sanity, don't be mislead. I am quite in control of my mental faculties. My vision may be terrible, and sometimes my short term memory fails me, but that is nothing that belies concern. If there is a time where my children will read these words in order to comprehend my life, I hope that they will understand that I am only trying set myself apart from this world, and impart a legacy.

If I could but teach it all, right here right now, delegating and authorizing the wisdom I possess, I would. Instead, I catalogue my thoughts in disjointed packs, broken and dispersed with little reason. It is virtually mental vomit, but I am aware that it streams and flows consistently. (there is a vivid little picture for you)

Terminus Est- the point of division, the moment of parting, the end of ends...
Come with me while I gather a tale of nothingness, of walks of dread and darkness, of lighted hallows and haunting sunsets. A living, less lively interim of perplexing madness made from life worked in a circle. This is where the end becomes a beginning of sorts, unraveling a man and revealing what God has proclaimed; what God has ordained.

3. February 15th, 2008
In the end, there will be sorrow. Someday, when I find my true path, and I am able to be at peace with this world and my decisions, I still will remember that sorrow always follows. No matter your lot, no matter your fame or possessions, there will be sorrow. I suppose we are made for it. We are built for the worse that this world could bring forth, meant to surmount every obstacle and meet, with dignity, our last day. I believe that we cannot see God for what and who He truly is without embracing the terror of struggle. There will be struggle, there will be change, and it is always constant. To go against this truth is like spitting in God's face. This is why I know that as I embrace some conservative ideas and positions, I must be able to see that flexibility is needed to live peacefully with one another.

I know that Jesus wanted us all to work together. I know He felt that we should be one in mind, and serve God's design. What is most beautiful about that is that no matter if we feel it or not, we all serve God's purpose. Each life impacts another, each person influences another. We share bonds and break them, we laugh and we cry. Our experiences and hardships bring us closer to one another. Until we are able to agree on what and who God is, we will remain separated as the human race.

And quite possibly, even this life, as it is, is what God intends for us. It makes me reach toward Him, knowing each dark day that follows is gonna be bright once again. Longing to see the sun.

4. February 16th, 2008
I wonder a lot about those folks who do not believe in God. By saying this, I mean God in the most general since: a belief in a grand architect, a creator. It puzzles me that we can look at all we have in this life, all that lives and breathes and is beautiful, and not be moved to understand that God is real.

Some people are hindered in their belief because they cannot understand why a good and benevolent being such as our God would allow such suffering and pain in the world. I can answer that quite easily, I think. Or better yet, I can provide a just explanation.

God is good and benevolent, but he gave us free will. This allows us as people to determine our own fate, regardless of what may be supposed about our lives. But the thing about free will is that it reverberates throughout time, touching each and every person, linking us all together like one eternal quilt. We are tied together because the decisions that we make today will determine the world that our children will be brought up in. Thus suffering is but a consequence of free will, the price we must pay for being able to make our own choices. There is no way to eliminate suffering because to do such would be annihilation; total and complete destruction of life on this planet. God allows us to choose to love Him or not. He allows us the opportunity to embrace His light, or travel in the darkness. There will always be suffering, because light cannot exist without dark, or it would have no validity. There are two sides to every coin. This is truth behind belief in God. I find that people are too thick-headed to humble themselves before God. No one wants to admit that they are wrong, and everyone assumes that they have found the answer.